To the guy who stinks

‘Do you live in a skip? Take a shower, you smelly bastard, before we all pass out.’

To the man intent on chatting up girls

‘Save it for a nightclub, mate. You’ll have more luck after dark, anyway.’

To the chap who hogs the water fountain

‘Don’t you have running water at home? You don’t share a skip with that smelly bastard, do you?’

To the guy who spends ages resting on the bench

‘If you’re too tired to lift, it’s time for you to call it a day. Some of us are here to work out, not lay out.’

To the naked man who strikes up a conversation in the changing room

‘Whoa – I’ve had a long day, mate. I don’t want your meat and two veg swinging in the same postcode as my face. That’s put me right off my dinner.’

UFC 89: Michael Bisping v Chris Leben at the Birmingham NIA is live on Setanta Sports at 8pm on 18th October. Tickets are available at ticketfactory.co.uk.