Low libido happens — and it’s not just about testosterone. From stress and sleep to relationship dynamics and mindset, these expert-backed strategies help you understand what’s really going on and rebuild your sex drive in a way that actually lasts
A drop in libido can be very frustrating and leave you feeling isolated – but it’s actually really common. And it’s not only testosterone that can impact it! With so many lifestyle, psychological and physical factors that can affect our sex drive – it’s not surprising we experience low periods throughout our life. But there are expert-backed strategies to boost your libido.
“It’s definitely common to experience dips,” says Leigh Norén, sex therapist and intimacy coach. Leigh’s an expert who focuses on low desire, pressure and stress surrounding sex.
“I think it’s really important to establish and it’s OK to not want sex when you experience that dip. It’s not something you have to work on getting back,” she says. “Sometimes it just comes back naturally – when things slow down, you’re feeling better mentally or you have more space in life to devote to that kind of thing.”
Expert-backed strategies to boost libido
Be honest with yourself
“Ask yourself, if I don’t have the libido, do I want to regain it? And if so, why?” suggests Leigh. “Am I doing it because I’m meant to? Am I doing it because my partner is nagging me? Am I doing it because I want it myself? Is it the combination of all three? Let all of those questions lead you to the answer,” she says.
“There are lots of quick tips you can try, but at the end of the day, the most important thing is to start with understanding because otherwise it’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall – some are a hit, some are a miss.”
Figure out what might be causing it
Leigh says that before we can begin trying to boost our libido, we first need to establish what’s causing it to drop. “I think it’s important to work out what’s going on, what it’s about and then address that specific thing,” she suggests. “There are questions related to sex you can ask yourself: Like is the sex that we do have exciting? Are we in a rut?” she suggests.
“Is it about lifestyle or relationships, or is it actually about the sex itself that you’ve been having up until now and what that does with your libido too?”
Talk to your sexual partner
“If it feels more relationship-focused, maybe you need to have a conversation with your partner about what’s missing in your sex life, or how much you miss them emotionally and what you need from them – or perhaps it could be working on conflict,” says Leigh.
“If you’d rather masturbate than have partnered sex, try to work out what that is about. Is it that we’re actually doing stuff you don’t even enjoy anymore? [Ask yourself] what would I enjoy and can I introduce that?”
Take the pressure of sex itself:
“If you haven’t had sex in a long time, instead of setting the bar at trying to have sex, and putting all that pressure on yourself, try working back to just being physical with one another,” suggests Leigh. “That can sometimes be really helpful without the added pressure of having to have sex.
“Work on touching each other – it could be with more or less clothes on, but like working your way up to it to see what happens when you’re close physically and there is no expectation of sex.” Leigh says this is especially helpful if you have performance issues as knowing that it doesn’t have to result in intercourse can make it a less pressured environment.
Try and reduce stress
“I think most people today are stressed anyway, so that’s usually an important thing to work on!” says Leigh. “There are lots of things that have been proven to be helpful; obviously, if you’re working too much, no matter how much mindfulness you try, you’re probably still gonna be stressed!”
Leigh recommends trying the latter, as well moving your body, eating healthily and avoiding sitting sedentary in front of a screen. “All of those sort of common tips that I think most people already know about can help – but a lot of times that’s not the only thing that’s needed to address it.”
Get better sleep:
Even though sleep is at the bottom of so many people’s priority list – it has a profound effect on absolutely everything – and that includes sex! “I think everyone can relate to [poor sleep affecting sex],” says Leigh. “Especially if you’re thinking about something that for most people is physically an exertion, you’re not necessarily in the mood to do that if you’re tired!”
Speak to a professional:
Often the libido issue can be a bit more tricky and it might be really helpful to speak to a professional. “Sometimes you try something when you’re feeling really bad about your situation and it doesn’t work and that sends you spiraling into anxiety and depression – because, it’s like God, that tip didn’t even work – it’s meant to work for everyone!” says Leigh, who says that speaking to a sex therapist or counsellor can be especially useful if you’ve been experiencing low libido for a while.
“The longer it’s been going on, the likelier it is that it’s more complex – so even if you were to sort of treat the root cause, it might not work, because there are other factors that are maintaining the difficulty around it, which is when you often need a professional to help you.”
